Monday, 14 January 2013

Stupid names


I
 remember seeing the stories in the newspapers about the New Year’s Day babies and it got me thinking about the names people call their children.

Our names are so important to us and picking the right one for a child is a huge responsibility yet why do some parents get it so wrong.

A friend of a friend who worked in a maternity hospital almost threw up on the spot when she found out the name of a new baby. The little boy’s parents had called him Dwayne.

Well that’s not SO bad, is it? Not on its own, no. But if your last name is going to be ‘Pipe’ you look at it in a completely different way, don’t you.

Imagine opening a bank account, or becoming a high flier. Who is going to take you seriously when you offer your extended hand in a greeting and say: “How do you do. I’m Dwayne Pipe.”

Still, Dwayne Pipe will probably have a great career as a plumber.

It may not be obvious to one and all, but my parents weren’t exactly thinking straight when they named ME. My mother confessed that she hadn’t realised at the time that in naming me ‘Philippa Green’ they were also creating ‘Pea Green’. To this day some of my friends still call me Pea.

But let me give you some more entertaining names. Many years ago, a relative came across a birth announcement in the paper heralding the arrival of a baby girl named Annette. Her last name was Curtain.

And what about this one: we were on a family day out when our ears pricked up at a family corralling their toddler daughter. “Canada, Canada. This way,” they screeched.

Darling husband and I turned to face each other in one of those synchronised-swimming moves. A sort of did-you-hear-THAT look.

Don’t get me wrong, I think certain place names as people’s names work quite well: India and Sienna to name a couple. But CANADA? I just think Geese, or Niagara Falls.

But the worst child’s name I EVER came across was a little boy called Tyson. In fairness to his parents, I don’t think Mike Tyson had become “convicted rapist, Mike Tyson” then, but even so.

What possesses people to name their child after a brutal boxer? Until then, I’d only heard a Doberman dog with that name, but a child?

It’s not just about the name, is it. It’s about the initials, too. You wouldn’t want to name a child Victoria Dawson because she’d be VD for the rest of her life.

Other funny names I have come across over the net were twins called Sam and Ella; Gordon Bennett; triplets called Faith, Hope and Charity; Vic Thick; Robin Graves... I could go on.

Even in adulthood, it can be hard to escape hilarity. For instance, I once came across a GP called Dr Coffin and another doctor called Dr De’Ath. That’s Dr Death to you and me, isn’t it?

When I was a kid we used to make up names for our own amusement such as a book title: Sliding down the banisters, by Major Bumsore. Or Bubbles in the bath by Windy Bottom.

Well, as I said, I was a kid. Lastly, (it’s my blog so I’m going to go off at a tangent if I want to) as I walked into my local ASDA store it was obvious someone was playing a trick on the person speaking over the public address system as she said urgently: “Jack Daniels, Jack Daniels please return to wines and spirits.”

Hey prestopeople. And if you have come across any hilarious names let us know about them in the comments section (you don't have to sign up for a Gmail account, just comment using the "annonymous" tag, and if you want to leave your name at the bottom of that then go ahead).

2 comments:

  1. Really enjoyed the read P. I'm one of the guilty ones who called you P Green mainly Down Under. Do you know who it is yet ? Your flat mate L.....y keep up the good work xxxx

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  2. Ha ha, do you know the local undertaker in Kelvedon 'Ted the dead' ;-)) I myself quite liked Max whilst pregnant with Harry but David point blank refused to have a son who may possibly be associated with a weight lifters muscle building type drink- Max Pounder! X Guess who's nick name was quarter at school..... Keep up the good work x

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